This site is still here?

Damn. I thought it'd be gone by now.

Well as long as this place is still around, maybe I'll resurrect it with some new posts.

Zounds!

In light of seeing, well, you can guess, I give you this.

http://objectiveministries.org/zounds/gaming.html

This entire site leaves me infinitely confused. I want to believe it's all some incredibly elaborate prank, some beautiful example of exactly what the internet is. And yet, they offer merchandise and remind us to attend the Straight Pride Parade on the 17th of this month. The above link is but one section of the incredible ZOUNDS! YOUTH ROCK MINISTRY! site, a wonderful organization making the claim that Stephen Baldwin is an awesome dude and giving a rating of four crosses (stars?) for a movie starring Mr. T. These are the people that laugh at Jeff Dunham and billboards that are apparently direct messages from God. The Zs are plentiful and misused.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the Christian Gaming Zone, a review site maintained by Gaming Xpert Kyle "Da G-Man" Goldman and endorsed by Pastor Skeet: "Kyle likes to hang with his peeps in the Commons and play some vids. And let me tell you, Da G-Man got game. Back in the day, I could play a righteous game of Pong, but even I've got nothing on Kyle's mad skillz. As the gamers say: I got pee-to-the-owned, powned." There is not enough sarcasm in the world to allow me to delve into this shocking display of ineptitude and disconnection from anyone under the age of 60. He used the word "righteous," for Christ's sake. He opens up with a list of acceptable games, basically shitty mods with Jesus and Moses plastered all over them. He then lists "retro" games, a standout being Supder 3D Noah's Ark, a "Christian alternative to Wolfenstein 3D." I just don't even know what to think, this has to be fake. No one can use so many horrendously outdated slang words and phrases and try to establish a semblance of professionalism at the same time. I'm not even at his Goddamn fucking shit-ass Christ-stabbing "reviews" of actual games. ACTUAL games, not poor simulations where you can apparently kill Jesus (don't worry, he instantly revives, no 3-day wait, and forgives you) and race chariots, a genre that I'm pretty sure hasn't drawn any attention whatsoever since Ben Hur. I'm withholding myself, I know what will happen if I get into every piss-poor review this Xpert shits out as an excuse to complete his studies as a "Missiological Technician" at the F-ship. I don't know what those words mean.

An important thing to note regarding most of the SECULAR (OH FUCK) games he reviewed: He didn't even fucking play most of them. Yes, most of these reviews are based off of (I assume) just looking at the box art, or hearing about it from a SECULAR friend who will most likely burn in Hell for supporting communism (Tetris) and gay sex (Halo). Tetris first. "[E]veryone is an unindividualistic block that must be made to fit together in Soviet conformity, and sometimes whole lines of people are made to disappear without any explanation." This may just be me, but I think he's reading way too fucking much into a game about falling blocks. Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose Space Invaders was actually illustrating the threat of the working class in Depression-era America, and Pac-Man was a lively recollection of the socialist crisis of the mid-20th century. No wait, that's fucking stupid.

Halo is... fuck, I can't even get through this hate-filled rant anymore. Basically he says Halo is about gay sex because of the wonderful tradition of teabagging and the fact that Master Chief is a Spartan, well known for all the gay sex. Clearly that's why the Earthican military chose that as a classification. Also, apparently gays stole the rainbow from Christians. No, wait, the rest of that claim: "Come to think of it, homosexuals have also stolen the rainbow symbol from Christians and are using it to separate people from their God by leading them astray into the 'Gay lifestyle'." What the fuck does this have to do with Halo? He isn't even talking about fucking video games anymore. I'm not defending anyone here, just saying if you're going to tell me that every game you haven't played sucked because it's the front for a liberal, conservative, gay, white supremist, that doesn't count as a review. I mean-

“U save ur game b4 u die... shouldn't u let Jesus save ur soul b4 u die IRL?”

- alright, fuck this.

Debbie Schlussel

Do you love Ronald Reagan? What about faulty logic and a certain stubborn charm that just screams "ASSHOLE"? Well what about blind neoconservatism? If you said "yes" to any of these questions then boy do I have a reviewer for you!

Debbie Schlussel is apparently "VRWC's latest and greatest sexy, blonde, and beautiful commentator." (Hey, 1/3 isn't so bad! Well, she might dye her hair...) I know this is true because it says so on the front page of her fan club. And apparently she had so many fans that she had to make herself a fan club TWICE! It's always wonderful to see a reviewer that is humble enough to limit their number of fan clubs to a nice, conservative two yahoo groups.

Of course, the real question to ask here is "Does she really deserve two fan clubs?" Well let's find out.

One of the things that will probably stand out to you fairly quickly on her little corner of the internet is her review system. Instead of reviewing movies on a number system she has decided to go the "Fucking stupid route" by grading on a Ronald Reagan/Karl Marx scale. This is obviously meant to be a Evil vs. Good scale whereas Ronald Reagan is at the level of say Jesus, while Karl Marx would fall somewhere around the level of Delgo. And believe me, that is evil.

Now, if you haven't guessed what kind of reviewer she is yet, well...let me help make it rediciously obvious for you. She is a paranoid bigoted neoconservative. And she also appears to be a twelve year old girl. And yes, she finds movies like "Twilight" entertaining, while movies like The Class are insulted for being too boring. And apparently, too humanitarian.

A French public school teacher loses control of his classroom, as Muslim troublemakers--both Black and White--from North Africa act up and exalt their ignorance upon the rest of the class. It was written by the real-life teacher and stars his real-life students, based on their real-life experience. We see how most of these students' parents can't speak French and are complete unabsorbed into their population. Some of them get deported, and the idiotically liberal teachers feel bad for these aliens and take up collections for them.

Yes. How dare those children from diverse cultures and backgrounds Muslim troublemakers have trouble assimilating in school! And how dare the kind liberal teacher try and help students who get deported! Gee Debbie you sure are smart!

But it's not enough to be ignorant in her reviews, she has to be ignorant in responding to comments too! (And in capslock!)

From a poster on her Watchmen review:

debbie,

for one who says she used to collect comics, to not know about watchmen, is pretty much blasphemy. so turn in your geek card and step off.

oh...and surprise...this is supposed to be a vision of an alternate united states, where instead of comic book heroes, they are real people. get it?

in this alternate universe, we win in vietnam, nixon gets to keep running, we have electric cars...and there is no detente because superman is real and he is american....get it?

Her response on the 'Watchmen' review:
[UJM: HUH? I NEVER SAID I COLLECT COMIC BOOKS TO KNOW ABOUT "THE WATCHMEN." I KNOW YOU READ THAT ON IMDB AND ARE REPEATING WHATEVER THE DUMMIES LIKE YOU ARE TELLING YOU THERE, BUT I NEVER SAID THAT. WOW, SO IF PEOPLE ARE REAL--AS IN REAL VIOLENT--AND THEY CHANGE HISTORICAL EVENTS DELIBERATELY, THEN THAT MAKES IT REAL COOL AND HIGHBROW. THANKS FOR THE TIP. AND THANKS FOR EDUCATING ME THAT RAPE AND GRISLY VIOLENCE IS HIGH CULTURE THAT I DON'T "GET." GO TELL IT TO YOUR FRIENDS AT COMMUNITY COLLEGE FILM CLASS OR G.E.D. SCHOOL. IT MIGHT FLY THERE. FYI, MEIN KAMPF IS A VISION OF AN ALTERNATE WORLD. MAYBE WE SHOULD WORSHIP THAT, TOO, AIRHEAD. DS]

She sure showed him! Damn his communist "alternate history" Obamessiah liberal pedophile plot tools! Also; can anyone say "Godwin's Law"?

She also has a serious problem with people attacking her stupidity, so much so that she even feels the need to devote an entire blog update just to attack people who disagree with her. And once again she decides it fitting to invoke Godwin's Law, because apparently if you compare things you don't like to Hitler, you automatically win!

Poor Hitler. If only he'd made Mein Kampf into a comic book instead of an actual written screed. Then, the ovens of Auschwitz and the human lampshades would be all the rage and cool of kitsch. Silly me, for not understanding that close-ups of sawing off someone's arms and dogs chowing down on a six-year-old girl are so much high culture because they were in a comic book first. Idiocy.

Boy she really does seem to like talking about Mein Kampf. I wonder what that's about. And besides, we already have a graphic novel based on the holocaust and it is quite well written and celebrated, but she wouldn't know that because comic books are for dirty Reagan hating commies!

But even with all of this arguing and negative feedback, Debbie is still able to tell it like it is. And she would never sink to the level of a mindless child randomly insulting anyone that disagrees with her. She is a smart, intelligent, beautiful, kind and wonderfu---

And maybe your sister should be fed to dogs and your mother raped and your brother should have his arms sawed off. You know, just to make the point.

..Ewww

Never mind.

So let's review.

Her reviewer traits:
Neoconservative.
Paranoid.
Moral FAMILY VALLUUEESSS
Bigoted.
And lastly: She supports the murder of the families of the people she doesn't agree with.

Rage rating: Heatwave













God I think I need to take a shower after this one....

This hole, it was made for me.

Have you ever written a scathing review of an obviously stupid review from an inept reviewer?

Have you ever been enraged by the stupidity and ignorance of peoples opinions about things you like?

Well if you have, then you obviously need to restructure your priorities. But until that day comes: I bring you BAD REVIEWS! The blog for people who hate reviewers!

And now to address some obvious questions that I'm sure I'll be badgered with.

#1: This is fucking pointless, why are you doing this?

Because I can. Also because I have free time.

#2: What gives you the right to insult other peoples opinions?

What gives them the right to insult things I like?

#3: You know you aren't funny, right?

Your face is stupid.

#4: What makes you think your opinion is superior to mine or anyone else?

Because I have a blog.

#4.2: So do I.

Mine is better.


THAT IS ALL FOR NOW FOLKS.

STAY TUNED OR SOMETHING.