Zounds!

In light of seeing, well, you can guess, I give you this.

http://objectiveministries.org/zounds/gaming.html

This entire site leaves me infinitely confused. I want to believe it's all some incredibly elaborate prank, some beautiful example of exactly what the internet is. And yet, they offer merchandise and remind us to attend the Straight Pride Parade on the 17th of this month. The above link is but one section of the incredible ZOUNDS! YOUTH ROCK MINISTRY! site, a wonderful organization making the claim that Stephen Baldwin is an awesome dude and giving a rating of four crosses (stars?) for a movie starring Mr. T. These are the people that laugh at Jeff Dunham and billboards that are apparently direct messages from God. The Zs are plentiful and misused.

But that's not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the Christian Gaming Zone, a review site maintained by Gaming Xpert Kyle "Da G-Man" Goldman and endorsed by Pastor Skeet: "Kyle likes to hang with his peeps in the Commons and play some vids. And let me tell you, Da G-Man got game. Back in the day, I could play a righteous game of Pong, but even I've got nothing on Kyle's mad skillz. As the gamers say: I got pee-to-the-owned, powned." There is not enough sarcasm in the world to allow me to delve into this shocking display of ineptitude and disconnection from anyone under the age of 60. He used the word "righteous," for Christ's sake. He opens up with a list of acceptable games, basically shitty mods with Jesus and Moses plastered all over them. He then lists "retro" games, a standout being Supder 3D Noah's Ark, a "Christian alternative to Wolfenstein 3D." I just don't even know what to think, this has to be fake. No one can use so many horrendously outdated slang words and phrases and try to establish a semblance of professionalism at the same time. I'm not even at his Goddamn fucking shit-ass Christ-stabbing "reviews" of actual games. ACTUAL games, not poor simulations where you can apparently kill Jesus (don't worry, he instantly revives, no 3-day wait, and forgives you) and race chariots, a genre that I'm pretty sure hasn't drawn any attention whatsoever since Ben Hur. I'm withholding myself, I know what will happen if I get into every piss-poor review this Xpert shits out as an excuse to complete his studies as a "Missiological Technician" at the F-ship. I don't know what those words mean.

An important thing to note regarding most of the SECULAR (OH FUCK) games he reviewed: He didn't even fucking play most of them. Yes, most of these reviews are based off of (I assume) just looking at the box art, or hearing about it from a SECULAR friend who will most likely burn in Hell for supporting communism (Tetris) and gay sex (Halo). Tetris first. "[E]veryone is an unindividualistic block that must be made to fit together in Soviet conformity, and sometimes whole lines of people are made to disappear without any explanation." This may just be me, but I think he's reading way too fucking much into a game about falling blocks. Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose Space Invaders was actually illustrating the threat of the working class in Depression-era America, and Pac-Man was a lively recollection of the socialist crisis of the mid-20th century. No wait, that's fucking stupid.

Halo is... fuck, I can't even get through this hate-filled rant anymore. Basically he says Halo is about gay sex because of the wonderful tradition of teabagging and the fact that Master Chief is a Spartan, well known for all the gay sex. Clearly that's why the Earthican military chose that as a classification. Also, apparently gays stole the rainbow from Christians. No, wait, the rest of that claim: "Come to think of it, homosexuals have also stolen the rainbow symbol from Christians and are using it to separate people from their God by leading them astray into the 'Gay lifestyle'." What the fuck does this have to do with Halo? He isn't even talking about fucking video games anymore. I'm not defending anyone here, just saying if you're going to tell me that every game you haven't played sucked because it's the front for a liberal, conservative, gay, white supremist, that doesn't count as a review. I mean-

“U save ur game b4 u die... shouldn't u let Jesus save ur soul b4 u die IRL?”

- alright, fuck this.